the first, the best, and the end

so, i guess some of you have to be wondering how the story ends.... in defeat or in victory. in falling or in failure.

or how about in absolute and indescribable bliss?

the past 4 months have been filled with so much laughter, good times, happiness, and ease. it's almost scary. someone once told me you know when you have found love because everything is just easy and feels perfect and right. i never quite understood this and almost attempted to justify "ease" in the past amidst quite difficult and frustrating interactions with the opposite sex. oh, but apparently, it's possible. and i've found it!

i'm totally in love, in a way that i could never have imagined. and the more astonishing part, i didn't expect him. but he was there "at first plunge." in the series of events accounted in this blog, he was my first wink, my first (and only) great date, my first "knee melting" kiss... and oh a couple other firsts ;). i guess what i'm trying to say is that i was so prepared for the worst, and ended up almost where i started and with the absolute best! i was scared to lose my "single girl" self in someone else and i've found someone who makes me a better me. single ladies... it's possible. and it doesn't require complication or quantity. all i had to do was let go, breath, listen to my heart... oh and take a trip over the bay bridge!

happy birthday mr. berkeley! <3 you to pieces!

a lot to be thankful for...

out in sonoma for the week, spending thanksgiving with my bestie from highschool. thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays for so many reasons: i mean the food, of course... nothing better than stuffing face for hours and drinking endless amounts of wine; but family; friends; loved ones; life. it's one of those holidays that makes you close your eyes and sigh with joy. when it was my turn, i couldn't help but break out quite the poetic graduation-style speech as we all sat around the thanksgiving table professing what we were most thankful for. to my left, my best friend and her boyfriend of 9 months, to my right my friends parents of closer to 29 years, and in front of me my best friend's little brother and his high school girlfriend of what seemed like something close to a lifetime--the way young love can often look and feel.

and then there was me... single girl strikes again. no pitty needed here. i had a great time with this company. but no matter how confidently single i am. there was apart of me that couldn't help but feel just a little bit lonely. despite their little couple spats and little relationship flaws (the ones that us single people look for in all relationships to justify why we don't want to "get serious"), i couldn't help but wish there was someone holding my hand under the dinner table or snuggling under the blanket next to the firepit at the end of the evening.

i will not lie. after a riveting game of catchphrase, i snuck down to the guest bedroom and sent a few texts to a few special someones that were on my mind. i'm pretty sure u can guess who.

happy thanksgiving.


ADH

wine and cheese

mr. berkeley met me after work for dinner in nob hill before wine night. was actually really excited to see him, and even got a few of those wonderful little butterflies when i saw him peering at me across the table in the dimly lit restaurant. after we finished eating, we headed up to v.w.'s bf's place for wine night. wine night is a monthly tribute to the wine gods... or our excuse for mid-week drinking. we each bring a bottle of our choosing and share about the wine--winery, tasting notes, pairings, b.s. that we come up with to sound fancy... you know, wine talk. (hilariously, it started out as a couples wine night. however, my date to the first wine night cancelled on me. so, it's always been just couples and me... bridget jones style.) this wine night this cheese was not standing alone.






mr. berkeley fit right in. discussion about sports with the guys, family talk with the ladies. he seemed to say all the right things. with questions, he was charming. with our ridiculous sassy jokes with one another, he laughed... and at one point got in on the fun and cracked a joke about his height. even when the question was posed about our meeting, he responded with perfect ease... "we met on match, but i feel like i've known her for longer." it was kind of one of those comments that made my heart skip a beat. as the night went on, the couples got cozier as they typically do once the booze sets in... a kiss here, a love rub there. i thought this part of the night might get awkward, but appallingly it didn't. he comfortably and confidently put his arm around my back and tenderly rubbed my shoulder. it was nice and natural. i didn't feel like pulling away or running in the opposite direction as i have in the past.

as the night came to a close, i walked mr. berkeley to his car. he gave me a good night kiss. great kisser. and as i stood up on the curb, i confessed, "i've never kissed a guy this short." his retort, "i'm sure u can get used to that." i smiled and was impressed. as i walked away, i thought about what a wonderful, relaxing evening it had been. i really couldn't ask for anything more. and unlike the lasagna that m.v. insisted was "not going to last," i thought to myself this might go somewhere. and somewhere good. for now, just taking it one night at a time.

ADH

the fortune of mr. j.crew

so a quick catch up before the action begins this week...

the past week has been quite actually eventful. i'm feeling slightly champion-like, which fits right in with the feeling in the city with the giants world series win. after feeling some kinda bad on wednesday for turning down 45 for wine night this week, i went out for a drink to celebrate the giants victory with v.w. and her b.f. while out, we ran into a former classmate of v.w.... quite a charming, preppy fellow (something like what would have been my type in high school, when i was naive and boy crazy)... we'll call him mr. j.crew--he was also a rower in college so a bit of double entendre there. from what i can remember amidst the cheering and champagne popping of the evening, we possibly had a nice conversation (or really it may have been a run-in in line at the bathroom... i can't really remember). but anyway, he asked for my number as i exited from the bathroom. awkward some would say, but a number is a number. in a bathroom line or not. and guess what? the next morning, i woke up to a text, "hi, here's my number." wow! usually guys wait a few days, this one was eager. and i didn't hate it.

friday night rolls around. and who do i receive a text from? none other than mr. crew. i already had plans and proposed to hang out later in the weekend... wanted to make him wait. instead, went to a cocktail party in russian hill with p.k. and then popped over to north beach to meet up with p.k.'s brother. no sooner than i show my i.d. to the door man, a young man walks up to me with bright eyes and perched eyebrows. indeed, it was...mr. crew striking again. fate, coincidence, or stalking? i'm going to go with the former. it's a small city and the stalker thing is just scary. as fortunate as the run-in was for him, it was quite unfortunate for me. umm yeah...i had no clue who he was.

you know those moments when you realize you are an alcoholic because you can't remember people you met less than a week ago. a bit embarassing. totally remembered his face but gosh darnit, just couldn't place him. so, i made up a bad lie to recover. and hilariously, he re-introduced himself and actually wasn't as offended as i would be. he even introduced me to his friends... all a nice bunch of lads. but fact of the matter was... i was tired and a bit overboozed from the night's activities. i politely informed him that i needed to return home before my carriage turned into a pumpkin (i.e. before they found me passed out in a corner of the bar). his response was he to try and convince me to go to the next bar. i pushed back. insisted that i had to go home and not waiting for his response, bolted out the door. whew... made my escape. clean break. and you won't believe it...dude actually followed me. interested or desperate? but maybe this is the kind of guy i need to be giving a chance... the kind that don't want me to get away... the kind that will chase.

"are you sure you don't want to come to the next bar?" he yelled. i shook my head with an apologetic smile. cab finally arrived. i waved goodbye. his eyes still fixated in my direction, he walked backwards to the bar. i slivered in my sequin skirt into the cab. so point of the story is that i'm not so sure how i feel about this one. but i think a sober one-on-one could be in the future.

have friends in town the end of this week. hoping to do wine with mr. crew sometime this week. and as a subin for 45... mr. berkeley is coming down for wine night! will keep you updated!

ADH

45... the weigh in

so, it always seems to be the men who you are less interested in that are by far the more interested in you. it's kind of like the unrequited love thing... i think it makes some men go crazy. anyway... 45 has been quite the persistent 'ol lad. over the past couple weeks since our drink night rendez-vous, i have received a number of sporadic texts with invitations to dinner, drinks, etc. truly having been extremely occupied with work and my social schedule, i had so politely declined his invitations. however, on monday, he cornered me.

his text: "dinner tomorrow night? you work too much."



so, i decided to give in. however, i would be bringing a decoy... a buffer if u will. i told him that my roommate and i already had plans (total lie!), but he was welcome to join. this is not to say that i did not want to spend one-on-one time with him (because if this was the case, i would have stopped responding to his texts after the first drink). i think my need to bring along the wing woman drew from his overly ardent interest in me. something i still couldn't put my finger on. i couldn't just believe that his attraction was that i was a "hot, young piece of a**" as my roommate so eloquently put it. there was something more to this man... and i needed a second opinion. (that and i've been reading a book about a child abduction and the thought of being alone with any man at night is just frightening.)

v.w. had a meeting earlier in the evening, so we planned to meet 45/tom brokaw at 8:30 at a bar on polk st. when i walked in, v.w. was chatting it up with some new friends she had made at the bar, drink already in hand... in true v.w. fashion. we grabbed a table and immediately ordered a bottle of la crema. it was clear that both of us were peering at the door amidst our conversation. every man over the age of 40 that walked into the door of the bar, v.w. would look over at me bright-eyed.

when 45 finally arrived, i caught his eye and he came and joined us at the table. he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek... that i actually found quite charming. i introduced him to v.w. and surprisingly they hit it off right away. i honestly think their immediate connection had more to do with the fact that my roommate was a history major in college... and to be quite frank 45 is possibly pre-historic. either way... i loved it. this was the easiest date ever. i got to drink my wine and relax for the evening, while they debated the cold war, the vietnam war, and both world wars. and the more hilarious part, i felt no need to engage in the conversation. i guess when you are only lukewarm about someone, you don't feel the need to impress them. dauntingly though, 45 was not put off by my disinterest. he was actually turned on and continued to peer over during his conversation with v.w. and even proceeded to move his chair closer to mine, while discussing whether hitler was the true cause of wwii. (ironically, i think he took my disinterest for me being the demure, silent type. my greatest fear backfiring on me at this very moment.)

after about an hour of sheer boredom on my part, i took control and wrapped things up. he offered to drive us home and while typically, i would politely decline for safety reasons, i was pretty drunk at this point and thought to myself, would he really attempt to abduct two of us? (odds are highly unlikely.) he led us to his car.

(ok, what i'm about to say is going to sound pretentious but honestly, we all think it.) as we are walking down the street, i was eyeing every single luxury vehicle in hopes that i would see him unlocked the doors of a beautiful porsche cayenne (or something of that sort). guess again? "here i am," he finally informed us as he pointed to a small white honda civic. can you say let down?
just to remove the shallow image that i may have portrayed of myself in the above paragraph, i want to say a few things. i truly do believe that love and relationships are about the person and not what they have or what they can do for you. but there is a list of pros and cons that one begins to create to assess a relationship candidate. if the pro's outweigh the con's, then the candidate could have strong potential. 45's con's were already tipping the scale... and the honda civic was sorta like a 45 lb weight (no pun intended).

as my roommate and i got into his car, i realized i needed to make a clean exit--a quick goodbye, avoiding at all cost mentioning another date. this was my plan... somehow my roommate didn't follow my lead. by the time we got to our apartment, somehow, v.w. had invited 45 to a couple's evening in two weeks, and practically invited him to join us on our morning runs. no words.

so now that i'm fairly sure that the verdict is in and the scale does not lie. i realize that i'm just not that into 45. so now the challenge before me... how to lose a guy in 14 days. kinda a fun challenge. will keep you updated.

ADH

the bouquet (part ii)

the wedding--easy, real, love. no other words. as i watched my cousin and his bride dance to their first song (babyface's "everytime i close my eyes")--his eyes glistening with the same tears that had rolled down his face just a couple of hours before as he watched his bride walk down the aisle towards the rest of their lives. as i looked on, i thought to myself that's true, unexplainable, indescribable but unquestionable love. my cousin who was sitting next to me whispered in my ear... "that will be you soon." hmm... i shrugged, maybe? but maybe not? maybe i'm just not the marrying type. i looked at the bride--so delicate and demure. as the new couple walked around to greet their guests, the bride--holding the train of her dress with one hand and my
cousin's hand in the other--quietly stared up to her new husband, as if to catch each of his words with her elongated eyelashes. could i be that woman? the wife to be seen and not heard, always looking up to, and never overshadowing her husband.

it was at that moment that I heard someone say my name. it was my cousin's mother. I turned around in my chair and noticed she was standing next to a very nice looking young man. "i have someone i would like to introduce you too." his name was jerome-- a groomsman
and one of my cousin's friends from college. i stood up to greet him. as I turned to face him, i watched him stare down at my long legs and then stare up at me as i begin to speak--my body towering over his. i extended my hand to his and realized that he noticeably was shaking. as our
conversation progressed, I noticed how unsure he was. and the less confident he seemed, the less interested I became. then the hostess came over the mic. thank god! saved by the bell! i told him nice meeting him and we should exchange info later...knowing full and well that was not going to happen but felt the need to close the conversation in true southern fashion.

as I sat back down at our table, my brother leaned over, "who was that? i think he was scared of u."

oh wow! so apparently my brother noticed too. his sister was not the delicate flower but a bit of a
beast! but then the thought dawned on me, maybe it wasn't about being a "type." maybe it's about finding the one can handle me... who wants me to be heard... the one who wants me to stand strong next to him. the one who does not fear me but finds the beauty in the beast. he entranced by me...and i in him.

then the time came. the hostess announced the throwing of the bouquet. i proudly walked to the dance floor to the chorus of beyonce's "single ladies." all of us single gals looked around, chuckling to one another at the hilarity of this tradition. the hostess counted off. 3-2-1. the bride launched the bouquet in the air.


we all looked up and followed the spinning bouquet of white and purple flowers heading toward us. but no one seemed to be reaching out to catch the bouquet. and then it happened...the floor... the bouquet crashed to the ground, petals strewn across the dance floor. oh, ooh, oh. and at this, i proudly headed back to my table, stepping over the flower petals as I exited the floor. no wedding bells right now for me... i'm just not ready for the bouquet yet.

the bouquet (part i)

headed back home this weekend. no better occasion to come home then for a beautiful southern fall wedding. the bride...a delicate southern belle, born and raised in the heart of atlanta (father on the board of atlanta public schools, head cheerleader at auburn university... the
works). the groom... one of my favorite (and quite possibly best looking--literally model status) cousins but totally a fun loving, true gentleman, and a great friend. i used to spend summers with his family in alabama. full on down-to-earth times--complete with mud wrestling, backyard barbecues, and of course friday night lights. i honestly would go home and pray that i would wake up with a southern drawl and one of my cousin's football player friends.

no plus one for this wedding. my favorite man in the world--my dad--was my escort as we walked up to the doors of the church. my mom had to run ahead to make sure we got "good seats"--like we were going to a sold out broadway show or something. the wedding coincidentally took place at my grandfather's church and the same place where my parents said their vows almost 30 years ago. so epic.

with my dad at my side, we approached the doors of the sanctuary. and through the windows, i could see that the church had been totally transformed since the last time i had been there for my granfather's funeral. the pews topped with white chrysanthemums and purple lilacs all tied up with streams of white satin ribbon. crystalled candlabras adorned the sides of the altar, showcasing the candlelight that flickered to the sound of the organ. totally breath-taking. the doors of the church opened. as we stood at the back of the church filled with friends and family, i looked down at the champagne dress i was wearing (a loner from one of my friend) as the sun beamed from the stain-glass window, reflecting off the silk fabric. the moment felt all too ironic... almost like a "etre-vu" (to be seen vs. already seen). i looked over at my dad and couldn't help but think... when? where? and most importantly who?