45... the weigh in

so, it always seems to be the men who you are less interested in that are by far the more interested in you. it's kind of like the unrequited love thing... i think it makes some men go crazy. anyway... 45 has been quite the persistent 'ol lad. over the past couple weeks since our drink night rendez-vous, i have received a number of sporadic texts with invitations to dinner, drinks, etc. truly having been extremely occupied with work and my social schedule, i had so politely declined his invitations. however, on monday, he cornered me.

his text: "dinner tomorrow night? you work too much."



so, i decided to give in. however, i would be bringing a decoy... a buffer if u will. i told him that my roommate and i already had plans (total lie!), but he was welcome to join. this is not to say that i did not want to spend one-on-one time with him (because if this was the case, i would have stopped responding to his texts after the first drink). i think my need to bring along the wing woman drew from his overly ardent interest in me. something i still couldn't put my finger on. i couldn't just believe that his attraction was that i was a "hot, young piece of a**" as my roommate so eloquently put it. there was something more to this man... and i needed a second opinion. (that and i've been reading a book about a child abduction and the thought of being alone with any man at night is just frightening.)

v.w. had a meeting earlier in the evening, so we planned to meet 45/tom brokaw at 8:30 at a bar on polk st. when i walked in, v.w. was chatting it up with some new friends she had made at the bar, drink already in hand... in true v.w. fashion. we grabbed a table and immediately ordered a bottle of la crema. it was clear that both of us were peering at the door amidst our conversation. every man over the age of 40 that walked into the door of the bar, v.w. would look over at me bright-eyed.

when 45 finally arrived, i caught his eye and he came and joined us at the table. he greeted me with a kiss on the cheek... that i actually found quite charming. i introduced him to v.w. and surprisingly they hit it off right away. i honestly think their immediate connection had more to do with the fact that my roommate was a history major in college... and to be quite frank 45 is possibly pre-historic. either way... i loved it. this was the easiest date ever. i got to drink my wine and relax for the evening, while they debated the cold war, the vietnam war, and both world wars. and the more hilarious part, i felt no need to engage in the conversation. i guess when you are only lukewarm about someone, you don't feel the need to impress them. dauntingly though, 45 was not put off by my disinterest. he was actually turned on and continued to peer over during his conversation with v.w. and even proceeded to move his chair closer to mine, while discussing whether hitler was the true cause of wwii. (ironically, i think he took my disinterest for me being the demure, silent type. my greatest fear backfiring on me at this very moment.)

after about an hour of sheer boredom on my part, i took control and wrapped things up. he offered to drive us home and while typically, i would politely decline for safety reasons, i was pretty drunk at this point and thought to myself, would he really attempt to abduct two of us? (odds are highly unlikely.) he led us to his car.

(ok, what i'm about to say is going to sound pretentious but honestly, we all think it.) as we are walking down the street, i was eyeing every single luxury vehicle in hopes that i would see him unlocked the doors of a beautiful porsche cayenne (or something of that sort). guess again? "here i am," he finally informed us as he pointed to a small white honda civic. can you say let down?
just to remove the shallow image that i may have portrayed of myself in the above paragraph, i want to say a few things. i truly do believe that love and relationships are about the person and not what they have or what they can do for you. but there is a list of pros and cons that one begins to create to assess a relationship candidate. if the pro's outweigh the con's, then the candidate could have strong potential. 45's con's were already tipping the scale... and the honda civic was sorta like a 45 lb weight (no pun intended).

as my roommate and i got into his car, i realized i needed to make a clean exit--a quick goodbye, avoiding at all cost mentioning another date. this was my plan... somehow my roommate didn't follow my lead. by the time we got to our apartment, somehow, v.w. had invited 45 to a couple's evening in two weeks, and practically invited him to join us on our morning runs. no words.

so now that i'm fairly sure that the verdict is in and the scale does not lie. i realize that i'm just not that into 45. so now the challenge before me... how to lose a guy in 14 days. kinda a fun challenge. will keep you updated.

ADH

the bouquet (part ii)

the wedding--easy, real, love. no other words. as i watched my cousin and his bride dance to their first song (babyface's "everytime i close my eyes")--his eyes glistening with the same tears that had rolled down his face just a couple of hours before as he watched his bride walk down the aisle towards the rest of their lives. as i looked on, i thought to myself that's true, unexplainable, indescribable but unquestionable love. my cousin who was sitting next to me whispered in my ear... "that will be you soon." hmm... i shrugged, maybe? but maybe not? maybe i'm just not the marrying type. i looked at the bride--so delicate and demure. as the new couple walked around to greet their guests, the bride--holding the train of her dress with one hand and my
cousin's hand in the other--quietly stared up to her new husband, as if to catch each of his words with her elongated eyelashes. could i be that woman? the wife to be seen and not heard, always looking up to, and never overshadowing her husband.

it was at that moment that I heard someone say my name. it was my cousin's mother. I turned around in my chair and noticed she was standing next to a very nice looking young man. "i have someone i would like to introduce you too." his name was jerome-- a groomsman
and one of my cousin's friends from college. i stood up to greet him. as I turned to face him, i watched him stare down at my long legs and then stare up at me as i begin to speak--my body towering over his. i extended my hand to his and realized that he noticeably was shaking. as our
conversation progressed, I noticed how unsure he was. and the less confident he seemed, the less interested I became. then the hostess came over the mic. thank god! saved by the bell! i told him nice meeting him and we should exchange info later...knowing full and well that was not going to happen but felt the need to close the conversation in true southern fashion.

as I sat back down at our table, my brother leaned over, "who was that? i think he was scared of u."

oh wow! so apparently my brother noticed too. his sister was not the delicate flower but a bit of a
beast! but then the thought dawned on me, maybe it wasn't about being a "type." maybe it's about finding the one can handle me... who wants me to be heard... the one who wants me to stand strong next to him. the one who does not fear me but finds the beauty in the beast. he entranced by me...and i in him.

then the time came. the hostess announced the throwing of the bouquet. i proudly walked to the dance floor to the chorus of beyonce's "single ladies." all of us single gals looked around, chuckling to one another at the hilarity of this tradition. the hostess counted off. 3-2-1. the bride launched the bouquet in the air.


we all looked up and followed the spinning bouquet of white and purple flowers heading toward us. but no one seemed to be reaching out to catch the bouquet. and then it happened...the floor... the bouquet crashed to the ground, petals strewn across the dance floor. oh, ooh, oh. and at this, i proudly headed back to my table, stepping over the flower petals as I exited the floor. no wedding bells right now for me... i'm just not ready for the bouquet yet.

the bouquet (part i)

headed back home this weekend. no better occasion to come home then for a beautiful southern fall wedding. the bride...a delicate southern belle, born and raised in the heart of atlanta (father on the board of atlanta public schools, head cheerleader at auburn university... the
works). the groom... one of my favorite (and quite possibly best looking--literally model status) cousins but totally a fun loving, true gentleman, and a great friend. i used to spend summers with his family in alabama. full on down-to-earth times--complete with mud wrestling, backyard barbecues, and of course friday night lights. i honestly would go home and pray that i would wake up with a southern drawl and one of my cousin's football player friends.

no plus one for this wedding. my favorite man in the world--my dad--was my escort as we walked up to the doors of the church. my mom had to run ahead to make sure we got "good seats"--like we were going to a sold out broadway show or something. the wedding coincidentally took place at my grandfather's church and the same place where my parents said their vows almost 30 years ago. so epic.

with my dad at my side, we approached the doors of the sanctuary. and through the windows, i could see that the church had been totally transformed since the last time i had been there for my granfather's funeral. the pews topped with white chrysanthemums and purple lilacs all tied up with streams of white satin ribbon. crystalled candlabras adorned the sides of the altar, showcasing the candlelight that flickered to the sound of the organ. totally breath-taking. the doors of the church opened. as we stood at the back of the church filled with friends and family, i looked down at the champagne dress i was wearing (a loner from one of my friend) as the sun beamed from the stain-glass window, reflecting off the silk fabric. the moment felt all too ironic... almost like a "etre-vu" (to be seen vs. already seen). i looked over at my dad and couldn't help but think... when? where? and most importantly who?

blast from the past

so typically, fleet week is that week in san francisco when the sailors touchdown and the blue angels take off. it's a week when the men that serve our country truly get the recognition they deserve. i bet you think this blog entry is going to involve a crazy night hookup with a navy seal from bora bora. oh, but that would be too predictable.

the morning started watching the blue angels air show on a friend's rooftop in the marina. i'm still in awe at the way the angels fly so in line together like synchronized swimmers in the sky. oh, if only life, love, relationships could be like that... in sync, perfectly timed, easy. it was just as i was watching one of the planes zoom out of the clouds that i looked down at my phone. it was a text from my ex... a blast from the past zooming into my afternoon. the ex... he's a cyclist and a consultant that i met through a friend from from atlanta. talk about out of sync... i swear we were flying in two completely different air spaces. he was in high traffic one filled with many other women.


for now, we'll refer to him as the cyclist. (i am literally reluctant to give him a name because i'm pretty sure this is the last u will hear of him, especially after i recount the details of our meeting). he wanted to meet up as he was in town for fleet week festivities with a friend from the east bay. my thought... so what? might as well. so, i decided to walk from the marina over to the embarcadero. it gave me some time to think about my strategy. was i going to play friend, hard-to-get vixen, or vengeful ex? as i passed all of the cute cuddly couples and the happy-go-lucky vacation families in fisherman's wharf, i thought to myself...being friends with an ex could be possible and maybe even useful. i mean like maybe for new dating options.

i approached pier 23. as i crossed the street and headed toward the door of the bar, i saw him through the window. we immediately locked eyes. he smiled at me as if to say, "it's been too long." it reminded me of how swept away i was when i first met him. this guy has the body of an abercrombie model (lean with muscle in all the right places), the skin of blair underwood, and the smile of brad pitt. oh and did i mention, the ego of mike tyson. i walked over to the table where he and his friend were sitting. he stood up to give me a hug and clearly did the once over, totally focusing on my legs--on display courtesy of my patriotic striped mini dress. the cyclist has always been a big fan of the physique. the exchanged looks... definitely flirtation. maybe this would be more than a friendly encounter.

oh but then, he opened his mouth and his epic flaw... his ego...revealed itself. "you look good, i'm glad you didn't let yourself go like my other exes." whoa nelly! that is not a conversation opener. at those words, flirtation came to a screeching halt and was ready to jet out of the bar faster than a f-18. but then i realized that would be rude leaving 5 minutes after my arrival and i had told myself i was going to be the bigger person and try to be friends here. maybe after the initial shock of seeing one another after 6 months, things would level out. being action oriented, i quickly grabbed the closest waiter, ordered a vodka tonic (something fast acting), and focused my attention on casual topics, making sure to include his friend. his friend was actually quite nice, a school teacher with a witty sense of humor. he told me about his time in san francisco and in the east bay. whilst chatting with the friend, i glanced over at the cyclist. he stared off in the distance like a pouty child. then the question came up as to how the cyclist and i knew one another. quickly the cyclist snapped back into the conversation.

him: "we met when she moved here."
me: "we actually dated for awhile."
him: "oh yeah."
me: "well at least i assumed we were dating. ****** assumed differently."
him: "why is that?"
me: "because you were screwing other people."
him: "as men, we have to spread our seed."
me: "or spread something called AIDS. by the way, have u been tested lately."

he was speechless. wow, if I knew that would shut him up, i would have said that when i walked in the door. what an asshole! is it true that most men really cannot be faithful? or is it that they just have to find the right woman--the one that they are so fixated on that they don't see anyone else around them. i believe in the later. and actually his friend agreed. in my experience, it's not about whether a guy will cheat, it's about whether the woman will let him or not. you know those woman who say, i know he sleeps with other women but i have to ignore it because i really care about him. those are the women whose husbands cheat. but when he finds that one that he knows life could not be better without her, he will not jeopardize ever after for in the moment.

that's my take... and i'm sticking to it. here is why me and the cyclist are no longer together. that, and he is heartless (another story for another blog).

i stood up, moved close to the cyclist making sure to park my legs directly in his line of sight, and put my arms around his shoulder while whispering in his ear... "thanks for grabbing the check." and i was out!

payback is a bitch... and feels so good. almost as good as dancing the night away with my besties in the "stro" with men who don't care either way, which was exactly what i did.

ADH

45

have u ever been in a bar or restaurant and noticed everyone was staring at you? it is on these occasions that i like to think it is because i'm wearing an amazing outfit or that i have a certain poise. today, i'm sure this was not the reason for the unsolicited attention. i want to say that the eyes (literally like paparazzi lens') were glued in my direction due to the man sitting next to me. i was officially the "i can't believe that young lady is with that old man" girl. and on top of the fact that my date was nearly double my age, he was also about double the height of most of the men in the bar... and oh, did i mention the interracial dating thing. so point being, the making for a p.r. stunt.

as the date progressed, the stares became less... or maybe it was because i selected a seat that was a bit secluded, behind the largest plants i could spot in the place. we were seated at a lower bench-like table underneath the heat lamp. it was quite the perfect night, the air was warm, and the lights from the embarcadero glistened against his glass filled with heineken. the conversation was easy... work, politics, the city. he was easy to talk, knowledgeable, well-versed (well, i guess he should be... considering he's had 20 years headstart under his belt). and clearly the dude knew how to get a lady interested... he genuinely wanted to know more about me. he asked about my family and friends, what i enjoyed doing, was i happy here. it was quite refreshing. kind of like the second round of ginger ale vodka he had waiting for me when i came back from the restroom. (in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have drank that. that's how u get ruffied. i was fine tho, so i guess the guy gets two points for character.)then came the real questions (of course from me).

me: age?... him: 45
me: family?... him: children
me: wife?(i'm not a homewrecker and wanted to give full inspection before i have a woman knocking on my door with a knife in hand)... him: separated
me: back to children. ages?... him: 6 and 9 and i drive them to school everyday
me: hmmmm.... him: dinner?
me: hmmmm.... him: weekend at the beach sometime?
me: whoa!


here's when i had to hit the pedal a bit. this was a lot to take in. i didn't want to lead this guy on too much. and basically what i mean by that is, i'm not quite ready to be a julia roberts in stepmom. he walked me to the bus stop (the stares were back). we chit chatted plans for the week...mine being work and drinks with friends... his being dinner with the former mayor. but he made sure to mention that despite his busy schedule, he definitely could find the time to hang out. again, refreshing. i gave him a kind "we'll look at the calendar," and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

as i headed home, i thought about what it would be like to date "45." comfort, stability, great meals, luxury vacations, parties with the mayor. i mean, i could probably get over the stares for the benefit of all the aforementioned. and then a vision entered my mind, i'm driving a beautiful black land rover through mill valley (wearing a prada sunglasses, a cashmere wrap sweater, cartier watch, and louis vuitton bag on the center console). however, back behind me are two children yelling that i can't make lunch like their real mom does, my cell phone is ringing out of control as the ex tries to get in contact with me about sam's pills that he left at her house, the golden retriever that the kids begged for us to bring in the car is puking all over the leather seats, and 45 is nowhere to be found... off to europe for some conference. fantasy over.


is 45 a reality? for me?

ADH

back in action

so after a few months of respite from the dating scene, turns out i'm back in it. things with mr. pancakes are on hiatus... at least until i can figure out if he's the stop and stare guy. you know the one's who are so madly in love with the woman they are with that everytime she walks in a room, they can't help but stop and stare in pure admiration. hmmm... that's what i'm waiting for.

so, fall is here. the season of change, pumpkin lattes, and cool weather snuggling. i noticed it was here the other night when i was walking downtown home after my run. the wind was blowing aggressively through my hair and i swear i could a hint of orange color on the trees as i crossed over mission st.


as i took a beeline to the bus... with the thought of my bed and warm soup on my mind... i heard someone yelling my name on the street in an accent (not quite british but european). i looked up to see a man (whom i did not recognize). he was about 6'5 with salt and pepper hair. he was wearing khakis with a button up and tweed sport coat. oh yeah, and did i mention he was maybe my dad's age.

he reminded me that we had met at a bar a couple of weeks back when the bartender decapitated my glass of champagne. (oh yeah, that 2 second conversation we had.) normally, i would have said great seeing you and run to catch my bus. but something about his easy nature and not-so forward invitation intrigued me. "let's exchange numbers and grab drinks sometime." i gave him my number and we parted ways. somehow, i walked away with a bit of a smile on my face from this random encounter. as i neared my bus, i looked down at my phone. "it was great bumping into you! hope to see you soon!" loved the fast (and not too eager) follow up! but could i date someone twice my age? i guess that's the fun of dating, trying new things. boundaries are just boring. and if society thinks george clooney and richard gere are sexy, maybe things with this swedish gentleman could be a fun, quite dandy time. after all, it has been said that older men know how to enchant a woman... like a great oscar de la renta dress.


so, here's to fall, change... and breaking boundaries. after all, isn't that what makes great, stop and stare love?

ADH