getting the guy

so last night after a day in tiburon with friends on our way to a play in berkeley for the evening, mr. pancakes asked me why women feel the need to "say the right things" and/or "play the game." so, i guess this brings me to the question: why do we feel like we have to create this monumental "strategy" to get a man? are the charades as necessary as we think? according to mr. pancakes, the right man will like you no matter what you do or say. the others are "just not that into you."

so, to be honest there have been days where i have saved text messages in my inbox and reviewed thousands of times before sending them off. ok, maybe this is a bit excessive but contrary to the belief of mr. pancakes, no matter what the situation is... getting the right guy and getting him to treat you as you deserved to be treated is an art form. i know this because i have a hell of a lot more guys interested now, then when i was naive and thought a guy would be interested in me even if i did text him 20 times a day.

so over the years--as i have refined my skills, what has seemed to work for me in "getting a guy" is the stop/go game. basically, letting them know i'm interested but not overly interested/obsessed. 1. it's important to let guys know that u have a life outside of them. u should have a life and enjoy it. in looking for wifey (or gf) material, men want the full package. 2. if you have other priorities other than them, it is a sign to them, that u are not a stalker or a "mad black woman." there r too many of them out there for men not to be cautious. 3. the last piece of this is that if a girl is not overly interested, she most likely has other options. as i've said before men want to win. they don't want to forfeit and they don't want to win a thrown game. they want a fair match and the more competitive the game, the better. they want to be the one u choose because that means they are special/better than the rest. they are the fittest and have survived your tests.

so as it may be, here is natural selection at its best. here i am writing this while waiting for mr. berkeley to arrive. we are having dinner this week as he was away in tahoe all weekend (which was great as i got to spend some quality time with mr. pancakes). i had a discussion with v.w. and m.v. on our run this morning about whether i should go on a third date with mr. berkeley or not. their advice was no, so that i don't lead this guy along or cause mr. pancakes to doubt me. however, i told them i still was not sure as to which guy might be the winner.

nevertheless...while apart of me tells me i'm on this date because i truly like this guy and enjoy his company. another part of me knows that i'm in it for the thrill of the game (i.e. to keep mr. pancakes on his toes). and to truly find my prince charming, these dudes r going to have to battle it out. i'm taking no prisoners. maybe playing a bit with fire... but hot never felt so good!



ADH

taking chances

so today, i'm feeling a bit sad. one of my grandmother's sister's has been in the hospital on a respirator ever since I left atlanta. this woman (and all of the woman of my grandmother's family are some of the strongest women I know. "badmammajamma" doesn't even begin to describe it. this woman has survived civil rights, raised 3 kids on her own after her husband was killed, defeated cancer... all while still finding a way to laugh and smile at the end of the day. And can you say get it girl... lady was a total man-eater in her day. growing up, all i heard were stories of all the men my grandmother and her sister's kept at their heels. they weren't afraid to exercise their liberties as young, single, sexy women... seeing and entertaining who they pleased when they pleased. as daughters of a woman with 4 children whose husband up and left when he was ready to pursue another life, these women were fearless and did not seek validation in men. they defined their futures... they did not wait for men to do it for them.

the other day, an ex of mine informed me that he did not think woman were built to be adventurous and date multiple men. according to him, we are creatures designed to deal with multiple children (not multiple men). our emotions get in the way and we're just frankly too scared. so these last three months, go out to my aunts, my grandmother, and all of the fearless woman out there. keep inspiring us. the rest of us will get there. i hope my adventures have inspired a few of u as well to just go for it (whatever "it" may be). just take the plunge. you don't know what might be waiting for you in the water.

btw, i'm writing this from a hotel room in reno, nevada. a surprise midweek vacay courtesy of mr. pancakes and co. just ordered room service on his tab and as soon as he gets back, i will literally be taking a plunge in the beautiful hotel pool and spending the afternoon poolside under the nevada sun with a pretty great guy at my side.

here's to taking chances and living the good life!


ADH

fate or faux?

a friend and i had an interesting conversation this weekend over saturday brunch. it was about "fate" or more specifically "fated love." her parents met when her mother was rescued from the pooring rain by a young college co-ed... and her sister fell in love with her husband when they met eyes in a college classroom (her sister was actually dating another guy, broke up with him, and married her classroom connection 4 months later). so all stories aside, does meeting someone on an online dating site make your love less "meant to be?" i actually was of the same thought p.m. (pre-match). i have always been a strong believer in "organic love," the kind that isn't forced or sought after but just happens and is just right.

but i think in an age and time when everything is about the constant bustle. jobs are more time consuming, we have the internet and a host of other new inventions to occupy our time, there are even more vacation spots. and younger people (especially in a city like san francisco) are making more money sooner and have access to all of the above earlier. people don't make time for love. many are even shut off to looking for love "until their career slows down" or "until they finish school" or "until they are over the single phase." it's almost as if love has lost it's lack luster. so maybe online dating has a place in today's world. maybe sad it has come to this but maybe a "necessary evil."

on the flipside, maybe we've got it right in letting jobs, etc. consume our lives now and focusing on the rest later. what is it some 80% of marriages end in divorce. (ok, not trying to be oprah...not sure of the statistic). but have we finally beat the social system of "you need to get married asap" and figured out that maybe 35 is the new 25. i have cousins who waited till they were older to get married and they seem to have been successful. maybe sites like match.com and eharmony are trying to rush us into love.

from my 3 month experience, i will say this... 1. yes, if you are a busy person and live in a city with busy people, love may have to be a pursuit. when singles in the city spend 80% of their free time in bars (where let's be honest everyone is looking for booty), you have to take the time to look elsewhere, make yourself available, and open up your options. the guys that are going to see you on the bus and fall in love are what i would call hopeless romantics and the ones that still exist in this day and age are taken.

2. online dating can screw with fate and push you into the "i want mr. right now instead of mr. right mode!" although most people on the site are already at that place which is why they signed up.

3. do we want fate or compatibility? i definitely felt like online dating helped me find more people that i had things in common with, which had been my gripe p.m. (not enough guys in the city that had my similar lifestyle, goals, etc.) and what makes more of a lasting relationship... fate or compatibility? my guess is work, either way and lots of it.

4. but maybe online dating is a faster fate. maybe you would have found that person anyway, it would have just taken you another 20 years if you both had not wandered onto the same dating site, during the same couple of months, found each others profile, winked and/or messaged one another at the same time... you get my drift.

anyway, just some food for the mind. something i'm thinking about as i'm accessing mr. berkeley and mr. pancakes. where is the fate? thoughts?



ADH