the first one's the worst- mr. stanford

he walked into the bar (a place called rye in the tenderoin) ... tall, a bit gangly, and with a bit of a sway that said to me... maybe u like men. either way, i was going to be open minded and even possibly open hearted. he introduced himself with a hug and not a handshake (good sign in my opinion... at least he thought i was hot enough to hold). he was cute, not handsome... just cute...kinda like a little brother's friend cute. his drink was bourbon and mine was champagne. the date proceeded as normal. questions and answers. but maybe 10 mins into this q+a sess, i realized that something was a bit off. all of the questions were coming from me. he had less than two words when not prompted by my inquiries and even his responses felt like they came straight from his match.com profile. i mean the dude was an mba from stanford, he clearly was not stupid. then i realized what we had on our hands here... a nerd, and a socially awkward one at that... the kind of nerd that can't really function unless spewing textbook knowledge on key topics such as cloning and photosynthesis. anything relating to real life situations, they go blank. and this is what this conversation was... very blank.

so i said to myself, you can do this. make lemons out of lemonade. just keep asking questions. and the more i asked, the more bored i became and the more glasses of champagne i pounded. so with the sun about setting and about 45 minutes into this conversation which consisted of me wracking my brain for anything i could think of to talk about to avoid the awkward silences that were imminent, i felt the time had come for us to part ways (and swiftly). apparently though, mr. stanford had other bright ideas.

him: how about we grab dinner?

me (in my head): what the hell? have we been on the same date? why would you want to continue this excrutiatingly painful experience?

me (out loud... but three drinks in might i remind you): sure? with a hesitant quiver in my voice

despite that this was a clearly less than enjoyable experience for both of us, he was a match.com, make-it-work kinda dude. in his mind, we could be the future mr. and mrs. stanford/heathcliff and claire huxtable/michelle and barack. he could have cared less if we went through our entire lives without the zaza-zing... that it factor that differentiates good relationships from great relationships.

so i excused myself to head to the bathroom before we leave for dinner. i feel his eyes staring as i look for the bathroom. "akilah, it's over there, " he yells... as if he thinks i were trying to escape. (again, clearly a smart guy... as the thought of bolting out the back door was on my mind.) so i took a breather in the bathroom, tried to stabilize all of the confusing thoughts and feelings rushing through my head. then like a big girl, i pulled it together, fixed my hair, and walked confidently out of the restroom.

he was waiting at the door, guardingly almost. as soon as we stepped out of the bar, he moved briskly, like a man on a mission as i practically ran in my 4 inch heels to keep up with him. we walked a block, another block, another block, and another block. as i passed one tranny prostitute on the street, i connected eyes with her/him... all i wanted to say was... i feel ur pain... like u feel trapped on this street corner, i feel trapped on this date.

we finally arrived at our destination. a small hole in the wall korean place on geary. he informed me--in a show-offish way--that the best and the only thing to order here was nothing other than the "FOUR MEAT PLATTER."

yes, here it was... my time to shine! with three words, i could make this dude realize that we were most certainly not meant to be a happily ever after nerdy couple. i proudly announced, "oops, i'm a vegetarian." his lips fell silent with utter disbelief. i had won! the spell had been broken. no more dreams of family bbqs with our own little malia and sasha running around the backyard. he grunted that the meat dish was the only good dish at the restaurant, and we had to go elsewhere.

we chose an indian restaurant a block away. the food was decent, the conversation was not (especially as the alcohol wore off). i closed the night quickly as soon as possible, asking for the check as soon as the last piece of naan was consumed. realizing this date would most likely not be followed up with a second. he cut bait and asked that we split the check and proceeded to exit the restaurant.

my goal was to grab and cab and head home to sleep but he wanted to share. so again, i conceded. what was another awkward 10 minutes? he insisted that i be dropped of first. with my stalker sense on high alert, i asked the cab driver to stop a block away from my place. he leaned in for a hug and i responded with a quick tap and a run. no kiss would happen... i would have rather kissed the cab driver for bringing me home. i ran into my apartment to the arms of v.w. and m.v. home never felt so good.

so basically, first date was not a success but i'm not ready to give up. next man... bring him on! stay tuned.

ADH