the forever single girl

just some food for thought. below is an excerpt from an article i was reading on my way to work this morning. i felt like it really hit the nail on the head in reference to what "relationship people" often don't get about those of us who "just want to date." i have always considered myself (and some of my friends--e.s. and r.p.) the "forever single girl." one can question whether deep down i really do desire a committed relationship. and maybe this is the motive behind this mission. but honestly at the end of the day, i can tell u i'm loving the ride as we all should enjoy the excitement of getting to know someone new. this is not to bash relationships because i think these too can be great. but none of us can deny that we don't love connecting eyes with the person across the room that you have been staring at all night (or in the online dating, get the "wink back" from the hottie with the great chin), the thrill of first dates, the endless questions that run through your mind in reference to the age old question "does he like me," and the best of all that tingly feeling you get when you connect eyes with that special person and realize that you are totally falling for them....


[Why do people] rush into making what you have something serious[?] Enjoy the excitement of not knowing everything about each other, especially the annoying stuff. Relish that moment when you are content with all of a person -- once you reveal everything, the mystery is not easily replicated.

The fantastic sensation of suspense and surprise that accompanies your dates will become rarer as your lives meld together. Ride the roller coaster, and instead of freaking out about every foot you go up the big hill, relish that you don't know the twists and turns yet. Once you do, it won't be nearly as thrilling.

Too often, dating feels like a race towards a committed relationship. But there are many people who have crossed the finish line and wouldn't mind going back. At least I wouldn't. How about you?

ADH

(excerpt courtesy of cnn.com, kelli bender)

the perfect fit

here i am on a flight back from new york after an amazing weekend with my best girlfriends from college. my closest friends are truly the loves of my life and the people in the world who know me as well as the two people who gave birth to me. so, it was only right that i commission their help on my search.

i gave each of them my dating site name and password and told them to select people that could be a good match for me. although only a few of their selections really appealed to me, at the end of the day, all of the selections were motivated, successful, intellectual, good looking guys--what i would say is "my type." so, it brings up the question, is it that "my type" are the "wrong" types of guys? are the successful, good looking, corporate types the "bad boys" of the modern twenty year old (the cheaters, the liars, the womanizers)? one of my close friends wrote me an e-mail after she had heard that I had resorted to online dating:

In all seriousness, why do you think you dont meet the right kinds of men? You've been around the country and seem to have only been impressed by one guy - any theories? What was so great about f.w. and how can you meet more guys with those qualities?

after some thought, i have come to the conclusion that i am picky and am extremely reluctant to let myself fall for just anyone. i am extremely satisfied with my life and the people i currently share it with (i.e. my family and friends). and if i am going to let anyone infiltrate this brickhouse, they better be pretty f*ing amazing and most importantly, be a great fit! but even to the point of just meeting people and going on dates, i have too many amazing people in my life already to sacrifice the time i share with them to even spend two hours on a miserable date with someone who may create more harm than good (and risk me losing my sanity or my life for that matter).

so learning: maybe i have an opportunity to be a bit more open minded in my selections. don't get me wrong. i will not be loosening my standards by going on dates with guys who have different morals or social standards than myself. i.e., i will not be going on a date with mr. drug dealer who we have more recently found out works for san francisco bart or the ex-football player who keeps sending me "good morning pretty girl messages." (r.p. has screened this one and informed me that based on looks, she would not be my friend if i go out on a date with him.) but here, i am challenging myself (and my friends) to seek more guys who look, feel, seem different than the guys that i typically date (maybe some runners, some creative types, hell even maybe some hot asian dudes).

let's see where this gets us. the countdown is on.

the first one's the worst- mr. stanford

he walked into the bar (a place called rye in the tenderoin) ... tall, a bit gangly, and with a bit of a sway that said to me... maybe u like men. either way, i was going to be open minded and even possibly open hearted. he introduced himself with a hug and not a handshake (good sign in my opinion... at least he thought i was hot enough to hold). he was cute, not handsome... just cute...kinda like a little brother's friend cute. his drink was bourbon and mine was champagne. the date proceeded as normal. questions and answers. but maybe 10 mins into this q+a sess, i realized that something was a bit off. all of the questions were coming from me. he had less than two words when not prompted by my inquiries and even his responses felt like they came straight from his match.com profile. i mean the dude was an mba from stanford, he clearly was not stupid. then i realized what we had on our hands here... a nerd, and a socially awkward one at that... the kind of nerd that can't really function unless spewing textbook knowledge on key topics such as cloning and photosynthesis. anything relating to real life situations, they go blank. and this is what this conversation was... very blank.

so i said to myself, you can do this. make lemons out of lemonade. just keep asking questions. and the more i asked, the more bored i became and the more glasses of champagne i pounded. so with the sun about setting and about 45 minutes into this conversation which consisted of me wracking my brain for anything i could think of to talk about to avoid the awkward silences that were imminent, i felt the time had come for us to part ways (and swiftly). apparently though, mr. stanford had other bright ideas.

him: how about we grab dinner?

me (in my head): what the hell? have we been on the same date? why would you want to continue this excrutiatingly painful experience?

me (out loud... but three drinks in might i remind you): sure? with a hesitant quiver in my voice

despite that this was a clearly less than enjoyable experience for both of us, he was a match.com, make-it-work kinda dude. in his mind, we could be the future mr. and mrs. stanford/heathcliff and claire huxtable/michelle and barack. he could have cared less if we went through our entire lives without the zaza-zing... that it factor that differentiates good relationships from great relationships.

so i excused myself to head to the bathroom before we leave for dinner. i feel his eyes staring as i look for the bathroom. "akilah, it's over there, " he yells... as if he thinks i were trying to escape. (again, clearly a smart guy... as the thought of bolting out the back door was on my mind.) so i took a breather in the bathroom, tried to stabilize all of the confusing thoughts and feelings rushing through my head. then like a big girl, i pulled it together, fixed my hair, and walked confidently out of the restroom.

he was waiting at the door, guardingly almost. as soon as we stepped out of the bar, he moved briskly, like a man on a mission as i practically ran in my 4 inch heels to keep up with him. we walked a block, another block, another block, and another block. as i passed one tranny prostitute on the street, i connected eyes with her/him... all i wanted to say was... i feel ur pain... like u feel trapped on this street corner, i feel trapped on this date.

we finally arrived at our destination. a small hole in the wall korean place on geary. he informed me--in a show-offish way--that the best and the only thing to order here was nothing other than the "FOUR MEAT PLATTER."

yes, here it was... my time to shine! with three words, i could make this dude realize that we were most certainly not meant to be a happily ever after nerdy couple. i proudly announced, "oops, i'm a vegetarian." his lips fell silent with utter disbelief. i had won! the spell had been broken. no more dreams of family bbqs with our own little malia and sasha running around the backyard. he grunted that the meat dish was the only good dish at the restaurant, and we had to go elsewhere.

we chose an indian restaurant a block away. the food was decent, the conversation was not (especially as the alcohol wore off). i closed the night quickly as soon as possible, asking for the check as soon as the last piece of naan was consumed. realizing this date would most likely not be followed up with a second. he cut bait and asked that we split the check and proceeded to exit the restaurant.

my goal was to grab and cab and head home to sleep but he wanted to share. so again, i conceded. what was another awkward 10 minutes? he insisted that i be dropped of first. with my stalker sense on high alert, i asked the cab driver to stop a block away from my place. he leaned in for a hug and i responded with a quick tap and a run. no kiss would happen... i would have rather kissed the cab driver for bringing me home. i ran into my apartment to the arms of v.w. and m.v. home never felt so good.

so basically, first date was not a success but i'm not ready to give up. next man... bring him on! stay tuned.

ADH

post weekend update

so didn't end up going on the intended date this weekend. the film producer had a "music video" to shoot this weekend. ummm... believable? maybe...or he had to work the sunday afternoon shift at the mcdonald's over on king st. i think i saw him as i was running past the other day. with my luck, i would not be shocked.

which brings me to another great story: so i've been messaging with a guy that lives in east oakland. from a looks perspective (tall, dark, clean cut, nice teeth... denzel look about him), he actually was at the top end of my list 'o mans. then i received a message on my blackberry today...

"me: i saw in your profile that you garden/landscape? i’m intrigued.
him: yeah…i grow cannabis for a hobby but i just do it for extra money."

hmmm… so basically, i've reeled in a drug dealer???? NOT OKAY! looking for a partner, not a partner in crime.

but my friends, have no fear. redemption is here. as of an hour ago, i officially have a date! usc undergrad and stanford grad. 6'4, internet nerd, and a bit outdoorsy. seems super cool and picked a great place for drinks after work on tuesday. will recap on wednesday!


ADH

the first frog

last night i finally saw the premiere of sex and the city. i thought to myself... the ladies of satc dated a ton of really questionable dudes in the tv series but still somehow survived and were able to laugh about it in the end (i.e. carrie and the guy with the stye, samantha and the man under 4 feet, miranda and the curly haired dude in the first season.) i left inspired and ready to do this… people, for better or worse, i’m going on my first date. no more looking for mr. right, we need a mr. right now to get this ball rolling. good, bad, or ugly. you have to kiss some frogs to get to the prince, right? (not that there will be any kissing until i have full comfort that my date is neither homeless nor psychopath).

So, here we have alex m… the film producer who lives in nob hill. resume includes nike & toyota commercials and an independent film “the guatemala incident” that can be found on youtube (i only watched 2 secs of it and skimmed to make sure it was not a porn but please feel free to view the entire movie and call me IMMEDIATELY if anything screams a CRAZY MAN produced this). as i stated before, his pictures are a bit blurry, so not sure what he really looks like (concerning, i know!)

planning on setting up coffee date on sunday after church as i will need an intense prayer session before going into this. i have commissioned m.v. and another male friend to chaperone the situation at a place across the street so they can get a visual in case i am hauled off into sex slavery somewhere.

so, here’s to going balls to the wall. will follow up on monday.

ADH

at first wink... the plan

strategy #1 (à la v.w.): identify as many good looking, seemingly normal guys and send out the online dating equivalent of the hair toss/eye bat/brush up... "the wink." as of today, i have sent out 17 winks... mostly to the guys that i would consider to be my type. i have received 7. honestly, this method has not been as effective as i thought. i have not received very many wink backs/e-mails from the above actions. hmmm... how have 110 profile views only converted 7 approaches? not good. maybe i need to post the karaoke night short skirt photos.

strategy #2: post, watch, and wait. this surprisingly... has been quite lucrative. probably due to the fact that i am match fresh meat. apparently, i am quite popular with the over 35 crowd and of course the obvious "gbms" (ghetto black mans... as coined by v.w.).

just to name a few of the no gos...the questionable ex-football player love doctor who reminded me of one of my cousins, willie with photos that looked like lil jon's next album cover, and a very aggressive pale 42 year-old from petaluma who sent me pictures of what appeared to be him manning a pittbull dog fight.

strategy #3: look outside the box. search profiles for keywords that pertain to my interest like "running," "wine," "georgia." then send short, sweet "i'm intrigued" e-mails to guys that spark my interest but i would not quite describe as my type. this one is tbd... no real bites yet.

so, i bet you're wondering if i have any dates set up. as of right now, the answer is no. we have a very eager 35-year old film producer from north beach that continues to send blurry pictures and is very eager to meet for coffee. although m.v. and v.w. say the best way to find out whether you might get along with someone is to meet them, i am approaching with caution.

as for other prospects, not feeling optimistic right now. any suggestions on better strategies to track down the mr. rights? any fun search keywords you think i should use?

ADH

the profile

writing the profile... maybe the most difficult thing i have written since the term paper for my sacred journeys class freshmen year. thank god for a bottle of champers, ghiradelli brownies, and a little moral support from l.z.

dilemma... do i go for professional michelle? the sexpot? the party girl? or the simple girl next door?



the headline: I'm fun, easy going, and love to laugh. I'm a what you see is what you get kind of girl! (hmmm... maybe a bit too eager sounding.)

about me: I'm honestly not expecting to find the love of my life or the greatest guy on earth. I'm just looking forward to a new way to meet driven, motivated, and humble guys in the city (and what I meant by that was Yes, you must have a job.). I love spending time with people who enjoy life--from the simple daily treasures to the exciting adventures that God grants us along each of our journeys. It would be great to meet someone who gets me and gets just that! (very sweet, right?)

about my date: you should be over 5'10 (i need to be able to wear heels so this is a deal breaker), you must have at least a bachelor's degree and a job that you get paid money to do (and that would need to be more than my salary). I'm open to all ethnicities, would prefer a non-smoker but will settle for a cigar aficionado, would like a social or moderate drinker, and the last but most certainly not least criteria... you must not in any way, shape or form have children.

so is this me? or in h.s.'s words with reference to my sad attempt at dressing hipster in the mission... did i totally miss the mark? what would you write to describe yourself? not as easy as you think i promise. suggestions for amendments are accepted.

ADH