the bouquet (part i)

headed back home this weekend. no better occasion to come home then for a beautiful southern fall wedding. the bride...a delicate southern belle, born and raised in the heart of atlanta (father on the board of atlanta public schools, head cheerleader at auburn university... the
works). the groom... one of my favorite (and quite possibly best looking--literally model status) cousins but totally a fun loving, true gentleman, and a great friend. i used to spend summers with his family in alabama. full on down-to-earth times--complete with mud wrestling, backyard barbecues, and of course friday night lights. i honestly would go home and pray that i would wake up with a southern drawl and one of my cousin's football player friends.

no plus one for this wedding. my favorite man in the world--my dad--was my escort as we walked up to the doors of the church. my mom had to run ahead to make sure we got "good seats"--like we were going to a sold out broadway show or something. the wedding coincidentally took place at my grandfather's church and the same place where my parents said their vows almost 30 years ago. so epic.

with my dad at my side, we approached the doors of the sanctuary. and through the windows, i could see that the church had been totally transformed since the last time i had been there for my granfather's funeral. the pews topped with white chrysanthemums and purple lilacs all tied up with streams of white satin ribbon. crystalled candlabras adorned the sides of the altar, showcasing the candlelight that flickered to the sound of the organ. totally breath-taking. the doors of the church opened. as we stood at the back of the church filled with friends and family, i looked down at the champagne dress i was wearing (a loner from one of my friend) as the sun beamed from the stain-glass window, reflecting off the silk fabric. the moment felt all too ironic... almost like a "etre-vu" (to be seen vs. already seen). i looked over at my dad and couldn't help but think... when? where? and most importantly who?

blast from the past

so typically, fleet week is that week in san francisco when the sailors touchdown and the blue angels take off. it's a week when the men that serve our country truly get the recognition they deserve. i bet you think this blog entry is going to involve a crazy night hookup with a navy seal from bora bora. oh, but that would be too predictable.

the morning started watching the blue angels air show on a friend's rooftop in the marina. i'm still in awe at the way the angels fly so in line together like synchronized swimmers in the sky. oh, if only life, love, relationships could be like that... in sync, perfectly timed, easy. it was just as i was watching one of the planes zoom out of the clouds that i looked down at my phone. it was a text from my ex... a blast from the past zooming into my afternoon. the ex... he's a cyclist and a consultant that i met through a friend from from atlanta. talk about out of sync... i swear we were flying in two completely different air spaces. he was in high traffic one filled with many other women.


for now, we'll refer to him as the cyclist. (i am literally reluctant to give him a name because i'm pretty sure this is the last u will hear of him, especially after i recount the details of our meeting). he wanted to meet up as he was in town for fleet week festivities with a friend from the east bay. my thought... so what? might as well. so, i decided to walk from the marina over to the embarcadero. it gave me some time to think about my strategy. was i going to play friend, hard-to-get vixen, or vengeful ex? as i passed all of the cute cuddly couples and the happy-go-lucky vacation families in fisherman's wharf, i thought to myself...being friends with an ex could be possible and maybe even useful. i mean like maybe for new dating options.

i approached pier 23. as i crossed the street and headed toward the door of the bar, i saw him through the window. we immediately locked eyes. he smiled at me as if to say, "it's been too long." it reminded me of how swept away i was when i first met him. this guy has the body of an abercrombie model (lean with muscle in all the right places), the skin of blair underwood, and the smile of brad pitt. oh and did i mention, the ego of mike tyson. i walked over to the table where he and his friend were sitting. he stood up to give me a hug and clearly did the once over, totally focusing on my legs--on display courtesy of my patriotic striped mini dress. the cyclist has always been a big fan of the physique. the exchanged looks... definitely flirtation. maybe this would be more than a friendly encounter.

oh but then, he opened his mouth and his epic flaw... his ego...revealed itself. "you look good, i'm glad you didn't let yourself go like my other exes." whoa nelly! that is not a conversation opener. at those words, flirtation came to a screeching halt and was ready to jet out of the bar faster than a f-18. but then i realized that would be rude leaving 5 minutes after my arrival and i had told myself i was going to be the bigger person and try to be friends here. maybe after the initial shock of seeing one another after 6 months, things would level out. being action oriented, i quickly grabbed the closest waiter, ordered a vodka tonic (something fast acting), and focused my attention on casual topics, making sure to include his friend. his friend was actually quite nice, a school teacher with a witty sense of humor. he told me about his time in san francisco and in the east bay. whilst chatting with the friend, i glanced over at the cyclist. he stared off in the distance like a pouty child. then the question came up as to how the cyclist and i knew one another. quickly the cyclist snapped back into the conversation.

him: "we met when she moved here."
me: "we actually dated for awhile."
him: "oh yeah."
me: "well at least i assumed we were dating. ****** assumed differently."
him: "why is that?"
me: "because you were screwing other people."
him: "as men, we have to spread our seed."
me: "or spread something called AIDS. by the way, have u been tested lately."

he was speechless. wow, if I knew that would shut him up, i would have said that when i walked in the door. what an asshole! is it true that most men really cannot be faithful? or is it that they just have to find the right woman--the one that they are so fixated on that they don't see anyone else around them. i believe in the later. and actually his friend agreed. in my experience, it's not about whether a guy will cheat, it's about whether the woman will let him or not. you know those woman who say, i know he sleeps with other women but i have to ignore it because i really care about him. those are the women whose husbands cheat. but when he finds that one that he knows life could not be better without her, he will not jeopardize ever after for in the moment.

that's my take... and i'm sticking to it. here is why me and the cyclist are no longer together. that, and he is heartless (another story for another blog).

i stood up, moved close to the cyclist making sure to park my legs directly in his line of sight, and put my arms around his shoulder while whispering in his ear... "thanks for grabbing the check." and i was out!

payback is a bitch... and feels so good. almost as good as dancing the night away with my besties in the "stro" with men who don't care either way, which was exactly what i did.

ADH

45

have u ever been in a bar or restaurant and noticed everyone was staring at you? it is on these occasions that i like to think it is because i'm wearing an amazing outfit or that i have a certain poise. today, i'm sure this was not the reason for the unsolicited attention. i want to say that the eyes (literally like paparazzi lens') were glued in my direction due to the man sitting next to me. i was officially the "i can't believe that young lady is with that old man" girl. and on top of the fact that my date was nearly double my age, he was also about double the height of most of the men in the bar... and oh, did i mention the interracial dating thing. so point being, the making for a p.r. stunt.

as the date progressed, the stares became less... or maybe it was because i selected a seat that was a bit secluded, behind the largest plants i could spot in the place. we were seated at a lower bench-like table underneath the heat lamp. it was quite the perfect night, the air was warm, and the lights from the embarcadero glistened against his glass filled with heineken. the conversation was easy... work, politics, the city. he was easy to talk, knowledgeable, well-versed (well, i guess he should be... considering he's had 20 years headstart under his belt). and clearly the dude knew how to get a lady interested... he genuinely wanted to know more about me. he asked about my family and friends, what i enjoyed doing, was i happy here. it was quite refreshing. kind of like the second round of ginger ale vodka he had waiting for me when i came back from the restroom. (in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have drank that. that's how u get ruffied. i was fine tho, so i guess the guy gets two points for character.)then came the real questions (of course from me).

me: age?... him: 45
me: family?... him: children
me: wife?(i'm not a homewrecker and wanted to give full inspection before i have a woman knocking on my door with a knife in hand)... him: separated
me: back to children. ages?... him: 6 and 9 and i drive them to school everyday
me: hmmmm.... him: dinner?
me: hmmmm.... him: weekend at the beach sometime?
me: whoa!


here's when i had to hit the pedal a bit. this was a lot to take in. i didn't want to lead this guy on too much. and basically what i mean by that is, i'm not quite ready to be a julia roberts in stepmom. he walked me to the bus stop (the stares were back). we chit chatted plans for the week...mine being work and drinks with friends... his being dinner with the former mayor. but he made sure to mention that despite his busy schedule, he definitely could find the time to hang out. again, refreshing. i gave him a kind "we'll look at the calendar," and he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek.

as i headed home, i thought about what it would be like to date "45." comfort, stability, great meals, luxury vacations, parties with the mayor. i mean, i could probably get over the stares for the benefit of all the aforementioned. and then a vision entered my mind, i'm driving a beautiful black land rover through mill valley (wearing a prada sunglasses, a cashmere wrap sweater, cartier watch, and louis vuitton bag on the center console). however, back behind me are two children yelling that i can't make lunch like their real mom does, my cell phone is ringing out of control as the ex tries to get in contact with me about sam's pills that he left at her house, the golden retriever that the kids begged for us to bring in the car is puking all over the leather seats, and 45 is nowhere to be found... off to europe for some conference. fantasy over.


is 45 a reality? for me?

ADH

back in action

so after a few months of respite from the dating scene, turns out i'm back in it. things with mr. pancakes are on hiatus... at least until i can figure out if he's the stop and stare guy. you know the one's who are so madly in love with the woman they are with that everytime she walks in a room, they can't help but stop and stare in pure admiration. hmmm... that's what i'm waiting for.

so, fall is here. the season of change, pumpkin lattes, and cool weather snuggling. i noticed it was here the other night when i was walking downtown home after my run. the wind was blowing aggressively through my hair and i swear i could a hint of orange color on the trees as i crossed over mission st.


as i took a beeline to the bus... with the thought of my bed and warm soup on my mind... i heard someone yelling my name on the street in an accent (not quite british but european). i looked up to see a man (whom i did not recognize). he was about 6'5 with salt and pepper hair. he was wearing khakis with a button up and tweed sport coat. oh yeah, and did i mention he was maybe my dad's age.

he reminded me that we had met at a bar a couple of weeks back when the bartender decapitated my glass of champagne. (oh yeah, that 2 second conversation we had.) normally, i would have said great seeing you and run to catch my bus. but something about his easy nature and not-so forward invitation intrigued me. "let's exchange numbers and grab drinks sometime." i gave him my number and we parted ways. somehow, i walked away with a bit of a smile on my face from this random encounter. as i neared my bus, i looked down at my phone. "it was great bumping into you! hope to see you soon!" loved the fast (and not too eager) follow up! but could i date someone twice my age? i guess that's the fun of dating, trying new things. boundaries are just boring. and if society thinks george clooney and richard gere are sexy, maybe things with this swedish gentleman could be a fun, quite dandy time. after all, it has been said that older men know how to enchant a woman... like a great oscar de la renta dress.


so, here's to fall, change... and breaking boundaries. after all, isn't that what makes great, stop and stare love?

ADH

getting the guy

so last night after a day in tiburon with friends on our way to a play in berkeley for the evening, mr. pancakes asked me why women feel the need to "say the right things" and/or "play the game." so, i guess this brings me to the question: why do we feel like we have to create this monumental "strategy" to get a man? are the charades as necessary as we think? according to mr. pancakes, the right man will like you no matter what you do or say. the others are "just not that into you."

so, to be honest there have been days where i have saved text messages in my inbox and reviewed thousands of times before sending them off. ok, maybe this is a bit excessive but contrary to the belief of mr. pancakes, no matter what the situation is... getting the right guy and getting him to treat you as you deserved to be treated is an art form. i know this because i have a hell of a lot more guys interested now, then when i was naive and thought a guy would be interested in me even if i did text him 20 times a day.

so over the years--as i have refined my skills, what has seemed to work for me in "getting a guy" is the stop/go game. basically, letting them know i'm interested but not overly interested/obsessed. 1. it's important to let guys know that u have a life outside of them. u should have a life and enjoy it. in looking for wifey (or gf) material, men want the full package. 2. if you have other priorities other than them, it is a sign to them, that u are not a stalker or a "mad black woman." there r too many of them out there for men not to be cautious. 3. the last piece of this is that if a girl is not overly interested, she most likely has other options. as i've said before men want to win. they don't want to forfeit and they don't want to win a thrown game. they want a fair match and the more competitive the game, the better. they want to be the one u choose because that means they are special/better than the rest. they are the fittest and have survived your tests.

so as it may be, here is natural selection at its best. here i am writing this while waiting for mr. berkeley to arrive. we are having dinner this week as he was away in tahoe all weekend (which was great as i got to spend some quality time with mr. pancakes). i had a discussion with v.w. and m.v. on our run this morning about whether i should go on a third date with mr. berkeley or not. their advice was no, so that i don't lead this guy along or cause mr. pancakes to doubt me. however, i told them i still was not sure as to which guy might be the winner.

nevertheless...while apart of me tells me i'm on this date because i truly like this guy and enjoy his company. another part of me knows that i'm in it for the thrill of the game (i.e. to keep mr. pancakes on his toes). and to truly find my prince charming, these dudes r going to have to battle it out. i'm taking no prisoners. maybe playing a bit with fire... but hot never felt so good!



ADH

taking chances

so today, i'm feeling a bit sad. one of my grandmother's sister's has been in the hospital on a respirator ever since I left atlanta. this woman (and all of the woman of my grandmother's family are some of the strongest women I know. "badmammajamma" doesn't even begin to describe it. this woman has survived civil rights, raised 3 kids on her own after her husband was killed, defeated cancer... all while still finding a way to laugh and smile at the end of the day. And can you say get it girl... lady was a total man-eater in her day. growing up, all i heard were stories of all the men my grandmother and her sister's kept at their heels. they weren't afraid to exercise their liberties as young, single, sexy women... seeing and entertaining who they pleased when they pleased. as daughters of a woman with 4 children whose husband up and left when he was ready to pursue another life, these women were fearless and did not seek validation in men. they defined their futures... they did not wait for men to do it for them.

the other day, an ex of mine informed me that he did not think woman were built to be adventurous and date multiple men. according to him, we are creatures designed to deal with multiple children (not multiple men). our emotions get in the way and we're just frankly too scared. so these last three months, go out to my aunts, my grandmother, and all of the fearless woman out there. keep inspiring us. the rest of us will get there. i hope my adventures have inspired a few of u as well to just go for it (whatever "it" may be). just take the plunge. you don't know what might be waiting for you in the water.

btw, i'm writing this from a hotel room in reno, nevada. a surprise midweek vacay courtesy of mr. pancakes and co. just ordered room service on his tab and as soon as he gets back, i will literally be taking a plunge in the beautiful hotel pool and spending the afternoon poolside under the nevada sun with a pretty great guy at my side.

here's to taking chances and living the good life!


ADH

fate or faux?

a friend and i had an interesting conversation this weekend over saturday brunch. it was about "fate" or more specifically "fated love." her parents met when her mother was rescued from the pooring rain by a young college co-ed... and her sister fell in love with her husband when they met eyes in a college classroom (her sister was actually dating another guy, broke up with him, and married her classroom connection 4 months later). so all stories aside, does meeting someone on an online dating site make your love less "meant to be?" i actually was of the same thought p.m. (pre-match). i have always been a strong believer in "organic love," the kind that isn't forced or sought after but just happens and is just right.

but i think in an age and time when everything is about the constant bustle. jobs are more time consuming, we have the internet and a host of other new inventions to occupy our time, there are even more vacation spots. and younger people (especially in a city like san francisco) are making more money sooner and have access to all of the above earlier. people don't make time for love. many are even shut off to looking for love "until their career slows down" or "until they finish school" or "until they are over the single phase." it's almost as if love has lost it's lack luster. so maybe online dating has a place in today's world. maybe sad it has come to this but maybe a "necessary evil."

on the flipside, maybe we've got it right in letting jobs, etc. consume our lives now and focusing on the rest later. what is it some 80% of marriages end in divorce. (ok, not trying to be oprah...not sure of the statistic). but have we finally beat the social system of "you need to get married asap" and figured out that maybe 35 is the new 25. i have cousins who waited till they were older to get married and they seem to have been successful. maybe sites like match.com and eharmony are trying to rush us into love.

from my 3 month experience, i will say this... 1. yes, if you are a busy person and live in a city with busy people, love may have to be a pursuit. when singles in the city spend 80% of their free time in bars (where let's be honest everyone is looking for booty), you have to take the time to look elsewhere, make yourself available, and open up your options. the guys that are going to see you on the bus and fall in love are what i would call hopeless romantics and the ones that still exist in this day and age are taken.

2. online dating can screw with fate and push you into the "i want mr. right now instead of mr. right mode!" although most people on the site are already at that place which is why they signed up.

3. do we want fate or compatibility? i definitely felt like online dating helped me find more people that i had things in common with, which had been my gripe p.m. (not enough guys in the city that had my similar lifestyle, goals, etc.) and what makes more of a lasting relationship... fate or compatibility? my guess is work, either way and lots of it.

4. but maybe online dating is a faster fate. maybe you would have found that person anyway, it would have just taken you another 20 years if you both had not wandered onto the same dating site, during the same couple of months, found each others profile, winked and/or messaged one another at the same time... you get my drift.

anyway, just some food for the mind. something i'm thinking about as i'm accessing mr. berkeley and mr. pancakes. where is the fate? thoughts?



ADH